once upon a time there was a magical baby called barry who was destined for great magical medical things. his parents were dead and he lived in the cupboard under the stairs at his evil uncle's house. soon after finishing school he began to recieve magical letters from a power above that called itself UCAS, inviting barry to train in the art of potions and wizardry in the finest medical establishments in the nation.
after buying supplies and taking a mysterious train he arrived at bogwarts medical school where only the finest doctors are invited to attend and he began his magical training. the first step in his learning was initiation with the sorting hat; a magical hat that determines which specialty an individual is most sorted for. the ceremony began. some of barry's friends were sorted to gp, dermaholiday, orthopaedics (yuk). barry was sorted to paediatics and so his future was determined.
or so he thought.
as term began barry encountered an evil presence at the medical school; professor snhewitt. barry could tell that professor snhewitt hated him and all the other students, with the exception of draco crockard who became an instant teacher's pet.
one evening a large and ugly troll known to his friends and enemies as MrTAS broke into the building and started smashing up years of history, tradition, dedication and perseverance. professor snhewitt locked up all the students in an internet chatroom so they could not fight against the destruction, but barry managed to escape and with the help of his friends remedy and you-k they defeated the evil MrTAS (well, sort of.)
later, barry and his friends hear of a sacred stone that embodies the traditions and principles of the world's most highly regarded medical training system. the sacred stone is being guarded by a two-faced bitch (dog) called BeeMA. luckily for barry this dog is lazy, stupid and useless and it falls asleep at the key moment, allowing barry and his friends to sneak by.
beyond the useless dog lay 3 mysterious and complex tasks that barry had to complete in order to find his way to the sacred stone. the first involved creating a thousand stories, each of no more than 150 words. the requirements of these stories were that they made no sense and gave no indication of intelligence or skill within their creation. the second was an internet battle with MrTAS's computer war-lords who fought to stop any useful transfer of intelligent, useful information by any means possible. the third, and the most difficult of these mysterious tasks was a round of quinterviews. a complex wizard game of interactions lasting no more than 10 minutes, taking place all over the nation, sometimes at the same time and many miles from the safety and comfort of bogwarts.
after completing these three impossible and ever-changing challenges (talk about moving goalposts) the final battle was to commence. barry found himself face to face with professor douglas (who was little known in the story until this late stage). during the violent struggle it became apparent that professor douglas, who had previously pretended to be allied with barry, was infact only trying to locate the sacred stone that embodied all that is good about the NHS in order to destroy it himself!
and the reason for this unbelievable betrayal? professor douglas was infact voldeMMCmort!!!! a struggle follows as barry, remedy and you-K fight for justice, fairness and sense (as well as tradition, principle and the maintenance of appropriate standards of medical training). luckily, just before all is lost, dumbledore arrives and saves the day. there is a huge banquet celebrating this fantastic victory and peace is restored.
they all lived happily ever after, where they wanted to, pursuing career paths that had been determined by the sorting hat, on their way to becoming the best doctors the world has ever seen.
it's a nice idea. now all we need is our dumbledore. any ideas anyone?
